I have a confession to make.
I haven’t been writing this blog in real time. But I can bring you up to speed pretty easily. My mother is still insane. Mia is still the centre of my world.
And I'm completely and utterly heartbroken.
I took a calculated risk when I decided to get involved with a man exactly twelve years and eleven months my junior.
I gave it six months.
It was supposed to be a fling. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. He wasn’t supposed to become my best friend.
I tried to end it on more than one occasion. But he stopped me every time. He kissed my fears away.
He told me I was the most beautiful, complicated woman he’d ever met. And that we’d always be together.
So I overcame my fear of water and climbed into a small boat with him. And I trusted him enough to let him row us to the middle of the ocean.
We made it to four years.
Then he just dived into the sea and swam off. And I’m not sure I can find my way back without him.
I feel so lost.
If only I’d known that our trip this summer was going to be our last. I would have cherished waking up with him every morning.
It could have been our beautiful long goodbye.
Instead I quietly obsess about the way the sun highlights the lines on my face. And I become moody and withdrawn.
I can’t keep competing with girls half my age. It’s exhausting. And expensive; dracula therapy and bull semen don’t come cheap.
I’m so wrapped up in my own unhappiness that it takes me a while to notice Jake has become distant.
Then everything starts to unravel ridiculously quickly.
“This isn’t working is it Jake?” There’s a long silence on the other end of the line. He finally speaks. And it all comes tumbling out.
He’s been struggling with it for the last few months. His life’s changed. His career’s taking off. There are new paths opening up for him. He wants to move overseas when he qualifies. He wants to raise a family.
And it’s clear that there’s absolutely no place for me in his future.
But he can’t let me go. He’s confused. He asks for more time to decide what he wants.
It feels like a stay of execution.
I barely eat for days. I have one sleepless night after another. I feel sick and totally detached from everything around me.
I'm driving home when No Doubt’s 'Don't Speak' comes on the radio. 'I really feel that I’m losing my best friend, I can’t believe this could be the end’.
By the time it gets to ‘It’s all ending, I gotta stop pretending who we are. You and me I can see us dying...are we?’ I have to pull over because I can't see through my tears.
This is killing me. I can’t wait for him to make a decision. I send him an email.
I love you sweetheart, I always will but sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to make a relationship work. And our relationship has run its course. We both know that. You taught me that I could climb a mountain. I'll never forget that. And I’ll never forget you. Goodbye Jake.
He calls immediately. I don't pick up. Everything feels so surreal. I knew this was going to happen. But I still can't believe it. He sends me a text 'I'm seeing you on Friday – whether you like it or not'.
He arrives Friday evening looking tired and sad. His eyes fill up as he tells me he's not strong enough to deal with this right now.
I hug him. Then we kiss, slowly at first then passionately, desperately. We make love all night. We both know this might be the last time. I try to submit every touch, every kiss to memory.
I wake up in his arms in the morning. I ask him how he feels now. He tells me he’s still confused. He still doesn’t know if he wants to be with me.
And that stings like hell. I had thought, for one moment, that perhaps we could find a way to make it work.
That’s when I finally realise the blindingly obvious; there’s always been a part of me that believed this would last. I honestly thought we could defy the odds and stay together.
How utterly bloody stupid of me. And Demi. But at least she gets to hate Ashton because he cheated on her. At least she gets to be angry because he behaved like a total prick.
All Jake has done is what I always said he would do; he has grown up.
I gather all his things together and put them in a bag. I give it to him and ask him to leave. I refuse to exist in a state of limbo.
This is the first time I’m breaking up with someone I’m still in love with. And it's unbearably sad.
We’re both crying as he tells me how much he loves me. How certain he is that he’ll never meet anyone like me again. But he doesn’t try to stop me ending it this time.
He knows it’s the right thing to do. He just didn’t have the strength to do it.
I watch him dive into the ocean. And I can only hope I have enough strength left to find my way back safely.
Then I remember that I got into the boat wearing a life jacket....
I have a confession to make.